On weekends, my depression seems like wandering away. It’s like they’re on a short vacation leaving me for a while, letting me enjoy the short amount of time of being the joyful version of me, the more relaxed one, the not so anxious about every single thing. But it is only for a moment.
And on weekdays. Oh Lord, do I have to mention every hour of anxiety I have to face. I have to conquer. I have to embrace. The audacity of me, waking up on the same bed, in the same room, breathing the same air every single day, feeling the regular ambience, has not changed ever since. I applauded myself.
“What if I die today? What are the possibilities that could happen to me? Compared to everyone, I’m just a speck of dirt, a cloud of dust on top of an old shelf, I am nothing, I am nobody, I am a failure. And if I disappear this instant no one would notice.” As I keep repeating myself for dozens of time everyday.
It all started this year (2019), the leap of my relationship and career. I never thought that the drastic change in the quarter-life of me could lead to something I never imagined. Worst, I never thought this kind of thing could happen to me, until this time. This thought of:
“I will never be good enough for someone else, for a decent job that I always wanted, for everything I desire,for a better future life, for my own self.”
Is haunting me ever since the last work I had. I guess giving everything all you have is not the answer if there’s no good feedback. Putting 100% effort into things or someone that doesn’t even believe in you in the first place is just such a waste of time. I should’ve quit from the start, the moment I realize I didn’t get any decent assessment from everything I genuinely gave. I don’t know, this just made me realize that I can’t really trust anyone again.
I mean, the “trust” is the feeling of being able to let go of what I really feel deep down inside, the true color that has been drawn for years inside my head, the worst, and the good acts that I’m going to show everyone. I don’t know if I can trust people to genuinely accepting all of these things without giving me a second glance. Thus, that always came into my mind are either they will let me down or I will let them down. I thought I got this by myself, again, I was wrong. I guess I’m not that strong.